• Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
• Witness: “By death.”
• Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

• Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”

• Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
• Witness: “July 15th.”
• Lawyer: “What year?”
• Witness: “Every year.”

• Lawyer: “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
• Witness: “There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
• Lawyer: “Can you identify the rifle?”
• Witness: “Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
• Lawyer: “And what did the writing say?”
• Witness: “‘Winchester‘!”

• Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
• Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”

• Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
• Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
• Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
• Witness: “Er…his face.”

• Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
• Witness: “Yes.”
• Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
• Witness: “I forget.”
• Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”

• Lawyer: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”
• Witness: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
• Lawyer: “How long has he lived with you?”
• Witness: “Forty-five years.”

• Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
• Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’”
• Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
• Witness: “My name is Susan.”

• Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”
• Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”

• Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
• Witness: “After the accident?”
• Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
• Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”

• Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
• Witness: “Yes.”
• Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
• Witness: “Yes, sir.”
• Lawyer: “What did she say?”
• Witness: “‘What disco am I at?’”

• Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
• Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
• Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
• Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

• Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

• Lawyer: “And you check your radar unit frequently?”
• Officer: “Yes, I do.”
• Lawyer: “And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?”
• Officer: “Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”

• Lawyer: “What happened then?”
• Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’”
• Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
• Witness: “No.”

• Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
• Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”

• Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

• Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”

• Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”

• Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”

• Lawyer: “How long have you been a French Canadian?”

• Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
• Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”

• Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
• Witness: “I went to Europe, sir.”
• Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”

• Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
• Witness: “That’s me.”
• Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”

• Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”

• Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
• Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
• Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
• Witness: “Yes.”
• Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”

• Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
• Witness: “Four times.”

• Lawyer: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”

• Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
• Witness: “Yes.”
• Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
• Witness: “None.”
• Lawyer: “Were there girls?”

• Lawyer: “You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”

• Lawyer: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
• Witness: “Yes.”
• Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

• Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
• Witness: “Not yet.”

• Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

• Lawyer: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?”
• Witness: “It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.”
• Lawyer: “And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?”

• Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
• Witness: “Borofkin.”
• Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”
• Witness: “I can’t remember.”
• Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
• Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”

• Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?”
• Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?”
• Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
• Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?”
• Witness: “No.”

• Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
• Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”

• Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”
• Witness: “Fair.”

• Lawyer: “Are you married?”
• Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”
• Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
• Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

• Lawyer: “And who is this person you are speaking of?”
• Witness: “My ex-widow said it.

• Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”
• Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”

• Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
• Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”

• Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”
• Witness: “Yes sir.”
• Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”

• Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
• Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”

• The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”

• Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
• Witness: “No.”
• Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
• Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
• Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
• Witness: “Attached to the ears.”

• Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
• Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”

• Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
• Witness: “Oral.”
• Lawyer: “How old are you?”
• Witness: “Oral.”

• Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
• Witness: “She is my daughter.”
• Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”

• Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”

• Lawyer: “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

• Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
• Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
• Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”

• Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”
• Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”

• Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”
• Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”
• Lawyer: “It was covered?”
• Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”
• Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”
• Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”

• Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
• Witness: “I could see his head.”
• Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
• Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”

• Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
• Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”

• Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
• Witness: “The victim lived.”

• Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
• Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

• Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
• Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MARRIAGE

Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are
thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before
you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9..

Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry.

That is whythe wife treats the husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished…

Bonus Commandment story.
A long married couple came upon a wishing well.
The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too.
But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled,
“Wow! This stuff really works!”

FILIPINO SIGNS OF WIT:

1. The sign in a flower shop in Diliman called “Petal Attraction”.

2. “Anita Bakery”

3. A 24-hour restaurant called “Doris Day & Night”

4. Barber shop called “Felix The Cut”;

5. A bakery named “Bread Pitt”

6. Fast-food place selling ‘maruya’ (banana fritters) called “Maruya Carey”.

7. Then, there is “Christopher Plumbing”

8. A boutique called “The Way We Wear”

9. A video rental shop called “Leon King Video Rental”

10. A restaurant in Cainta district of Rizal called “Caintacky Fried Chicken”

11. A local burger restaurant called “Mang Donald’s” (San Fdo, La Union )

12. A doughnut shop called “MacDonuts”

13. A shop selling ‘lumpia’ (egg roll) in Makati called “Wrap and Roll”

14. And two butcher shops called ” Meating Place and Meatropolis” . Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the ‘Taglish’ (The Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino such as:

15. At a restaurant menu in Cebu :

We hab sopdrink in can an in batol? [Translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].

16. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises -
[translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]

There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to ‘correct’ them like…….

17. In a restaurant in Baguio City , the ‘summer capital’ of the Philippines :

Wanted: Boy Waitress

18. on a highway in Pampanga:

We Make Modern Antique Furniture

19. On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan :

We Shoot You While You Wait

20. And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila :

Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier

Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:

21. A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying:

We Sell Imported Robber Shoes? (These could be the ‘sneakiest’ sneakers);

22. A rental property sign in Jaro reads:

House for Rent, Fully Furnaced (It must really be hot inside)!

23. Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique – if not altogether odd.

City in southern Philippines which said: Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation.

24. European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia – which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively – (believe it or not)!

25. Some folks also ‘creatively’ redesign English to be more efficient. The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words, says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign…..
House Fersallarend’ (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?

26. According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines . Why? Because we are in a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.

Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?

Pinoy Jokes, Pinoy humor

When I travel, people often ask me why I live in the Philippines ?

Well here it is….. It is the only place on earth where…

1. Every street has a basketball court.

2. Even doctors, lawyers and engineers are unemployed.

3. Doctors study to become nurses for employment abroad.

4. Students pay more money than they will earn after wards.

5. School is considered the second home and the mall considered the third.

6. Call-center employees earn more money than teachers and nurses.

7. Everyone has his personal ghost story and superstition.

8. Mountains like Makiling and Banahaw are considered holy places.

9. Everything can be forged.

10. All kinds of animals are edible.

11. Starbucks coffee is more expensive than gas.

12. Driving 4 kms can take as much as four hours.

13. Flyovers bring you from the freeway to the side streets.

14. Crossing the street involves running for your dear life.

15. The personal computer is mainly used for games and Friendster.

16. Where colonial mentality is dishonestly denied!

17. Where 4 a.m. is not even considered bedtime yet.

18. People can pay to defy the law.

19. Everything and everyone is spoofed.

20. Where even the poverty-stricken get to wear Ralph Lauren and Tommy Hilfiger (peke)!

21. The honking of car horns is a way of life.

22. Being called a bum is never offensive.

23. Flood waters take up more than 90 percent of the streets during the rainy season.

24. Where everyone has a relative abroad who keeps them alive.

25. Where wearing your national colors make you baduy.

26. Where even the poverty-stricken have the latest cell phones. (GSM-galing sa magnanakaw)

27. Where insurance does not work.

28. Where water can only be classified as tap and dirty.

29. Clean water is for sale (35 pesos per gallon).

30. Where the government makes the people pray for miracles. (Amen to that!)

31. Where University of the Philippines were all the weird people go.

32. Ateneo is where all the nerds go.

33. La Salle is where all the Chinese go.

34. College of Saint Benilde is where all the stupid Chinese go and;

35. University of Asia and the Pacific is where all the irrelevantly rich people go.

36. Fast food is a diet meal.

37. Traffic signs are merely suggestions, not regulations.

38. Where being mugged is normal and it happens to everyone.

39. Rodents are normal house pets.

40. The definition of traffic is the ‘non-movement’ of vehicles.

41. Where the fighter planes of the 1940s are used for military engagements and;

42. The new fighter planes are displayed in museums.

43. Where alcohol and cigarettes are a necessity; and where the lottery is a commodity.

44. Where soap operas tell the realities of life and where the news provides the drama.

45. Where actors make the rules and where politicians provide the entertainment. 4

6. People can get away with stealing trillions of pesos but not a thousand. (Joc Joc Only)

47. Where being an hour late is still considered punctual (Grabe talaga ‘to!)

48. Where the squatters have more to complain (even if they do not pay their tax) – than those employed and have their tax automatically deducted from their salaries.

49. And where everyone wants to leave the country!

Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?